When my wife was pregnant with our twins, I remember joking that babies should come with instruction manuals. In hindsight, while that would make things easier for first-time parents, I think it would eliminate a lot of the personal growth we gain by having the experiences of being parents. But having an owner’s manual, or having a fuel gauge, even having that little arrow that points to the side of your car the gas tank is on would all be really useful things that we find in cars for people to have. I’d love to be able to check my emotional fuel gauge before I decide to go out in public. Some days, I just don’t have it in me to deal with other people. Other times, I forget to do the things I need to do to refill my tank. And when things get really rough, I don’t even remember that I run on fuel and I end up running out. And just like being stranded by the side of the road out of gas, running out of emotional energy in the middle of something important can leave us embarrassed, frustrated and seemingly useless.
So look, I’m not a big fan of cars. Much like a hammer or a pair of scissors, a car’s just a thing I use sometimes. I don’t care what it looks like. I need something to get me from place to place. Sometimes I need to transport things. I have a basic understanding of how the thing works and have no desire to learn any more about it. So having helpful little gauges and displays and those fun little chimes and bells are a big help to someone like me. When the car yells at me about something, I listen. When it tells me it needs oil, I get an oil change. Same thing goes for gas. So what I want to know is this: why in the world don’t we come those with those helpful bells and whistles?
How great would it be if someone could tell just by looking at us that we don’t have enough energy to be people-ing today? Or that I had raging nightmares last night and didn’t get any sleep, so please don’t talk to me. Sign me up for this stuff yesterday.
Yes, I am very sensitive to the amount of emotional energy I possess. I’m very high maintenance, so I’m going to be a b - - - - or an a - - - - - - if you hit me with the wrong thing at the wrong time. And I’m like that a lot. I’m also very considerate, so I think it’s fair to warn you. It would save us all a lot of trouble if we could get a read on someone without bothering them first.
Running out of gas can feel like the worst thing in the world. You know you need it soon, but there’s something you urgently need to get done before you head to the gas station. Besides, the little red needle on your dashboard is still touching part of the white line that points to E. We all know what happens next. We’ve all been there. Next thing you know, you’re walking to the convenience store to buy an overpriced two-gallon plastic gas can to lug back to your car, so you can drive back to the convenience store to finally fill up your tank.
Life can be like that too. We’re being pulled so many different directions all the time. Yes boss, I’ll stay an extra hour to make sure that report’s submitted on time. Yes kiddo, I will take you to Sheetz to buy a slushie. Yeah, I can swing by the grocery store to pick up something for you to drink. We make dinner, we clean up, we take care of some bills. We do a little cleaning. Before we notice, it’s bedtime.
I’m really envious of Emily, my wife. She is either so good at going to bed or so exhausted by her life that more times than not, she’s asleep within ten minutes of hitting her pillow. Me? I’m the opposite. It’s nice and quiet by the time I’m ready to go to bed. So I like to do what I’ve heard called “Getting Revenge on the Day.” It sounds ominous, right?
I get in bed and find something to put on tv. I fire up the laptop to catch up on whatever nonsense I’ve missed on Twitter or X or whatever it is. Maybe I’ll get an idea for something to write so I’ll open up a Word document. I might have five or six tabs open at once, all while I’m “watching tv.” Before I know what happened, it’s well after one in the morning and I feel like I have to wind down before I can go to sleep. I pick and choose which tabs on the laptop get closed first and which ones I need to check one last time so I can sleep soundly. I have to take my meds, which are supposed to make me drowsy. Then I have to find something on tv I can fall asleep to. Finally the computer gets shut down and in about another half hour or so, I’ll start getting tired.
On good nights, this is enough and in a little while I fall asleep. But not always. Some nights my mind runs on and on like I do when you ask about my favorite restaurant. Not a pretty sight. Those nights see a lot of tossing and turning and sometimes they even see the sunrise. I write poetry in the dark, hoping I can read it in the morning. I play a video game called Civilization, where you win by ruling the world in one of six different ways. I watch shows and movies I’ve seen before because they comfort me. But this sure isn’t rest. Eventually I sleep for four to six hours in the middle of the day.
I digress.
Days after these nights find me deliriously tired. I try to avoid everyone. I’m not always capable of controlling myself, especially my temper and my wallet. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve snapped at Emily or one of the kids because I just didn’t have the patience or ability to focus. Sometimes I just can’t match their energy and this tires me out even more.
Yesterday was one of those days. I slept horribly the night before and I couldn’t find a part of me that wanted to move. My whole body hurt from being tense while I tried to sleep. It took two rounds of tylenol and sinus medicine till my body felt like it wasn’t trying to sabotage the entire operation. Somewhere between a third and half of my days start like this. Once the pain was gone, I tried to do a couple of productive things.
I went to CVS to pick up prescriptions for three of us. Turning the corner in the back of the store to find no one waiting in line made me feel like I had won the lottery. But my lack of energy and patience caught up with me quickly. The young woman at the counter was too busy joking around with the pharmacist to pay attention to what she was doing for me. Everything took twice as long as it should have and I thought I did well to politely say thank you and hightail it out of there. This silly little encounter was enough to make my anxiety go up. I was dodging aisles if someone else was in them. And I still had to go to the grocery store.
Sitting in the car in the parking lot, I had to just sit still, take a deep breath and close my eyes for a couple of moments. What little energy I had started out having was now gone. I drove slowly to the grocery store which is just over a mile down the road. I avoided going in initially by texting my wife to see if there was anything she wanted me to grab while I was there. My energy hadn’t returned, but I felt a little calmer. I went in.
Now I don’t proclaim to be an expert, but there is a very annoying and highly unnecessary robot that works at our local grocery stores, purportedly serving both janitorial and surveillance functions. Its name is Marty and if I have a nemesis on this planet, it’s definitely Marty. Marty got in my way twice (twice!) as I was trying to get past the seasonal flowers and down an actual aisle. I let three people go around me and a couple more go in front of me just to make sure the beginning of my shopping experience would be Marty-free.
The primary objective for my trip was to obtain beverages. The house was more or less bone dry. I texted my son about some choices and I spent $24 of my $41 grocery bill on liquids. Nine more went to frozen pizza, four to Pop Tarts and honestly, I don’t remember what the other thing I bought was. Got home, made sure the cat was penned in a room, and brought everything inside. This whole excursion took over an hour because I didn’t have any energy to deal with any kind of obstacles. I laid on my bed listening to music for another hour once everything was put away.
I wonder if other people have this same experience. Thinking about things tires me out. Dealing with people, even people I know, tires me out. Doing daily household tasks tires me out. My therapist has told me he thinks I have something called Avoidant Personality Disorder. I don’t know. I do avoid things because I know they’re going to drain me. And I do it a lot.
Another aspect of this that I find happening to me often is when I have conversations with people I want to talk to - guess what? Those conversations drain me too! Needing time to recover from talking to someone you love seems wrong, doesn’t it? Happens on the regular.
I try to tell myself that after dealing with depression and anxiety for so long, it’s okay for me to feel tired. The need to take things slow is understandable. But I want to talk to my family and friends. And I want to do it without feeling exhausted afterwards. And I can’t figure it out. Why is being around people so hard? I feel like my personal “low fuel” light is on every single time I look at my dashboard. It limits what I can do, which I hate.
When I have the energy, I try to do things that are fulfilling, that give me a sense of purpose. I try to spend time with the people I love. But I just can’t always do it, which is endlessly frustrating. Maybe it’s because of all the work I’m trying to do on myself. Like Mad-Eye Moody from Harry Potter, it’s “constant vigilance” for bad habits I’m trying to change in myself. I guess that might be part of it, but I always wonder how much this happens to everyone else. If this happens to any of you, I’d love to know what you do that works for you. I’m tired of being tired.
Take care of yourself
-JL